


Amends

by crownedrooster



Category: Realm of the Elderlings - Robin Hobb, Tawny Man Trilogy - Robin Hobb
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Consent Issues, Grief/Mourning, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, but there will be pining!, i'm a sucker for angst and drama so please forgive me, my own personal revenge on fitz for The Quarrel, they end up together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-31 20:46:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12689937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownedrooster/pseuds/crownedrooster
Summary: Fitz realizes that his quarrel with Lord Golden was a mistake and he tries to make amends. But it may be already too late...





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE please be lenient!!  
> This is my first try in writing a fic (or anything for that matter), and English is not my mother tongue so there will be mistakes and weird sentences. Sorry :x

Four months. 

It had been four months since the Fool and I had had our quarrel, and I had yet to find the right opportunity to talk to him.

I knew he was still angry with me, for he was still addressing me as Tom Badgerlock. In fact, I had not seen his Lord Golden persona slip once, not even when we would cross paths in the corridors of Buckkeep with no one else in sight. And even those incidental meetings were becoming more and more scarce, for since I had been assigned to the King’s guard, I had no more excuse to be near him or to wander in the nobles’ quarters.

I missed my friend terribly and I could not help but wonder if he felt the same way. I selfishly hoped that the disregard I saw in his eyes whenever his gaze met that of his former servant’s was just a facade, and that he too, suffered from the same feeling of agonizing loss that ate at my insides.   


In truth, the solution for was but simple: apologize. I should just apologize to him. The problem was that everytime I tried to picture the scene, my mind just froze. I just could not seem to find the right words. How could he possibly forgive me after what had transpired between us? What could I possibly say to account for my despicable behaviour? I had, admittedly, been under the influence of elfbark…

No. That’s not all there had been of course. I knew the main cause for my outburst had been my fear of spreading rumours, a fear that had been ignited by Starling’s bitter comments. I feared that if anyone thought that my relationship with Lord Golden was improper, it would damage my reputation, and that of Hap’s. Why had I cared so much about that? As a bastard, and Witted at that, I had grown accustomed to people looking at me with disgust. So why had I put my relationship with my best friend in jeopardy for the sake of a reputation that was already tarnished? 

How I longed to tell him that I wished I had kept my mouth shut. That I should have been glad to know that a creature such as the Fool could love me unconditionally, even if I could not love him back. Or rather, love him the way he wanted me to...

I would find the words, and I would win him back.


	2. The Plan

I had finally managed to work out the perfect plan to mend things between us.

This morning, I was to meet with Dutiful and Thick in Verity's tower for a Skill lesson. Chade had decided to keep to his bed after yet another one of his explosive experiments had gone wrong so we were one Skill user short for today's lesson. Since my classes basically consisted in duo exercises, I had managed to convince Dutiful that I needed a partner, and that the only person who could take on this role was Lord Golden. We had been Skill-linked ever since that day in the Mountains when the Fool had laid his silvered fingers upon my wrist. Years had passed since and the markings had slightly faded from my skin, but I was still aware of the threads of Skill that bound us together. We had only skilled to each other a handful of times, almost always in dire situations, but I knew how powerful our joining could be. Maybe, I had told myself, I could convey through my Skill what I had not been able to say with words.

I climbed the set of stairs that separated Lord Golden's chambers from my new quarters amongst the guardsmen. My heart was hammering in my chest. It had been weeks since our last exchange of words, and even then, it had been just formal greetings between a nobleman and his former servant. I hesitated in front of the door, not at all sure what his reaction would be. I took a deep breath, and knocked.

No response.

I tried again, this time louder, until finally I heard: 'Yes, what is it?'

Lord Golden's voice sounded impatient. I was expecting him to at least open the door to see who was inquiring after him. But the entrance remained barred to me, so I was a bit baffled to have to shout through the thick plank of oak: 'Lord Golden it's me. Tom Badgerlock. I have a message for you.'

Another silence.

'Can it wait until this afternoon? I am rather busy at the moment.'

I was wondering if that was just an excuse to get rid of me. But I was not going to give up that easily.

'I am afraid it cannot my Lord, it has to do with our King.'

I knew that mentioning Dutiful would force him to hear me out. I felt a bit ashamed to use trickery to get him to spend time with me, but I told myself that the King was indeed expecting him for the lesson. I heard him sigh.

'Alright then Badgerlock.'

After a good 5 minutes of waiting and a fair amount of feet stamping on my part, Lord Golden let me in. I took a few steps inside the room and closed the door behind me. I started to walk towards the set of chairs that stood next to the fireside, but upon noticing my host’s frown, I decided not to push it and to stay where I was. I knew too well that invading the Fool’s personal space was not the best way to play this game.

He had made changes to the room. Or rather, it was obvious that he had no more servant to tidy up after him, for the room was a mess. The curtains had not yet been opened for the day, the remnants of yesterday’s dinner still stood on the table and there were clothes scattered across the floor.

It was very unlike him. I knew that he was usually very organized, and liked to arrange things to his liking to feel at home wherever he was. It made me wonder if this mess was intentional, to maintain the pretence of the nobleman too full of himself to care about such things after having dismissed his only serving man. I also noticed that Lord Golden wore no make-up today, and was slightly dishevelled, which struck me as odd since he always seemed to be paying extra attention to his appearance when he was posing as the Jamaillian nobleman. Even so, I had to admit that he looked stunning, with his rich blue satin jacket that highlighted his golden curls and the red that showed on his cheeks. It occurred to me that I had not often seen the Fool blush, but that the colour it brought to his face made a lovely contrast with his amber eyes.

'Well, what is it Badgerlock? I don’t have all day.'

Even in the privacy of his chambers, the Fool still persisted in addressing me as Tom Badgerlock. It should have stung, but I had expected it really.

'I came to inform you that Chade is unable to perform his duties as a member of the King's coterie today. Since we must be at least four for our Skill lessons, Dutiful has ordered for you to join us. We are to meet at the top of Verity's tower in an hour.' I kept my tone formal, but I was always careful not to call him 'my lord'. I desperately wanted things to get back to normal, and I had decided that dropping the whole Lord Golden/Tom Badgerlock masquerade was a step in the right direction.

'Why do you need four people?' he asked. He sounded skeptical.

'Because we work by pairs. Usually, we do exercises where we try to convey a thought or a feeling to a partner by skilling to each other. This kind of training improves the student’s Skill control and the strength of their mental walls.’ That much was true at least. I did not feel the need to tell him that there was no real need for me to practise my Skill this way, for Verity had taught me how to set up my walls a long time ago.

He looked deep in thought and I saw him take a quick glance towards his chambers with something akin to longing in his eyes. I realized that he must have been asleep when I came to deliver my message. That could explain his unkempt appearance and his reluctance to go, because he would rather still be in his bed. But again, his hesitation could just as well have to do with the messenger rather than the message itself. Was the mere thought of being in the same room as me for a short period of time that repulsive to him that he would disobey a direct order from his King? I was starting to think that my plan was doomed to fail when I saw him slump his shoulders in a defeated gesture. He made yet another audible sigh as he concluded:

'I see. I'll meet you there.'


	3. The Lesson

I was the first to arrive.

As I emerged from the hidden entrance that led to the tower, I shuddered against the chill air that came from the openings. I was immediately brought back to the days of my youth, when I would deliver Verity’s meals while the King-in-Waiting was keeping watch for the Red Ship Raiders. I was about his age now, but in retrospect, it did not feel as if I had grown up at all since those days. I had thought that my secluded life with Nighteyes in our cabin had given me wisdom, but when I recalled some of my latest decisions, I was appalled by my own stupidity. A few weeks ago, I had missed my only chance at reconnecting with Burrich, a decision that had had much more to do with cowardice than with selflessness. On top of that, I kept reaching out to Nettle with my Skill, despite knowing that if she ever found out about her parentage, it would only bring her sorrow and confusion. And of course, there had been the quarrel I had prompted between me and my dearest friend. I knew our bond was badly damaged and I could only hope that my plan was going to work.

I was taken out of my musings by the arrival of Dutiful who, as usual, had come with Thick. Even with all that was going wrong around me, I could at least take pride in the friendship that had developed between the two boys. 

‘Good morning Fitz,’ said Dutiful cheerfully.

‘Good morning my King,’ I answered. 

‘Is Lord Golden going to come?’

He had just finished his sentence when we heard the door reopen. An impeccably attired Lord Golden emerged. He bowed graciously.

‘Good day my King, Thick.’

Dutiful answered him with a pleasant smile and a nod but I noticed that Thick regarded him with suspicion. The fact that he was still wary of the people outside of the safe circle of our coterie made me realize how far he had come since the days when he could not help but attack whoever got near him.

I realized that all three of my students were looking at me. 

‘Well, since we are all here, I suggest we don't waste time and start right away,’ I stated. ‘We're going to continue working in pairs. Like last time, we will be telling our partner two statements. One will be the truth and the other one will be a lie. The goal is for your partner to find which is which, using the Skill only. Are we all clear?’

I saw that Lord Golden was frowning.

‘I don't understand how you can tell the difference by skilling,’ he said in a wary tone.

‘You can because your partner will have to leave his mind open,’ I explained. ‘And since only I have a Skill link with you through your fingerprints on my wrist, we will have to pair up.’

I saw him pinch his lips and hesitate before he gave me his assent with a curt nod. I signaled for him to follow me to the other end of the tower, where a pair of chairs stood.

‘Alright, you start then. What are your statements?’ he asked as soon as we got seated. 

‘Oh, alright then.’ I was startled to hear him initiate the conversation between us for I had not expected him to talk to me more than was necessary. ‘Let’s see… My first statement is that my favourite place to be in Buckkeep Castle are the stables. My second statement is that my favourite scent is honeysuckle.’ I had already used these with Chade, who had not managed to find out which one was the lie. 

I presented my bare, upturned wrist to him but he made no move towards it.

‘The first one is the lie.’ he declared almost immediately.

‘How- But I thought we needed a physical touch to skill to each other-’

‘And apparently, we still do. I just happen to know the answer. It was not much of a challenge, really.’

I was astonished. This was an information that no one else was privy to. 

‘But… How?’

He sighed and raised his gaze to meet mine. ‘I just know that in your mind, you associate the stables with the loss of Nosy, and Smithy. Your favourite place to be in Buckkeep Castle must be somewhere that is not directly associated with bad memories. Maybe the gathering hall- no you killed Justin and Serene there and that's what got you sent to the dungeons. Let's see then, your old chamber? No, you always found the room too big and cold for you alone. The kitchen then? But you were not always welcome there... There must be... Oh.’ he paused and I could see the shadow of his old mischievous smile at the corner of his lips. My heart lifted at that sight. ‘You know that you're the only one to call this place Verity's tower? To anyone else, it’s just the Seawatch tower. I would say that this is your favourite place, where you used to meet with your uncle, the only member of your family that ever seemed to truly cherish you for who you are, and not for your capacity to be used as a tool for the crown, a tool that you can discard as soon as it gets worn out. So that's my answer, and I did not even need the Skill to get it right, did I?’ he sounded as if he was explaining something to a very small child. He sounded so much like my young Fool that I could not find it in me to take offence at his condescending tone. 

I smiled, ‘Well then, I'd better find something worth your while for the next time. It's your turn.’ I looked at him expectedly.

‘Alright. My first statement is that my favourite colour is blue. My second statement is that my favourite animal is the rat.’ 

I knew the answer, I did not even have to think about it. The Fool had told me about the little white cat he had had as a child, back during our peaceful days in my cabin. My heart clenched at the memories of how close we had been then. Should I tell him that I knew the truth? But I suspected that he was well aware that I knew, and that he had made it easy for me on purpose. But why was he not willing to play along? 

I decided to play dumb. ‘Alright, let me touch your fingers.’ 

I saw his eyebrows raise in alarm. So he had expected me to tell him I knew. Reluctantly, he put his silvered fingers on their matching prints. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the connection and the inevitable feeling of overwhelming wholesomeness that always came with our joining...but nothing happened. I opened my eyes and stared at him in shock. He held my gaze squarely and did not seem at all fazed by what was, or rather was not, happening. I closed my eyes again, trying to find the link that had always so effortlessly flown between us. At last, I sensed something, the smallest tingling of a skill-thread but as soon as I moved towards it, I heard the Fool take a sharp intake of breathe and the link was gone. 

So this was deliberate. He did not want to share awareness with me. 

I wondered where he had learned to build such strong defenses. More importantly, I wondered why he so fiercely wished to keep me out of reach of his mind. Was it only out of spite, after our falling-out? No. In the few seconds during which I had been aware of him, I had not felt anger. Fear, I realized. The feeling I had felt emanating from him before he hastily put up his defenses again was fear. But what was he afraid of? Was he fearing that I would ransack his mind, and go after his secrets, much in the same way Regal had done when he had captured his mind in the Mountains? But he had never been so careful with me before, so why now? Was there something that he wished to hide from me at all costs, something that he could not risk me knowing?

‘Well?’

I opened my eyes and saw a very unimpressed Lord Golden staring at me with his eyebrows raised questioningly.

‘Well what?’ I spat. Bitterness had crept through my voice unwittingly but he did not flinch.

‘I thought the purpose of this exercise was for you to find which of my statements was a lie.’ he answered casually. 

I was having trouble containing my anger. I thought that we had been on the verge of reaching some kind of understanding when he had let me catch a glimpse of his old persona, but I had been mistaken. If he would not allow me in his mind, my plan was doomed to fail. 

‘Well, I cannot very well succeed if my skill partner won't grant me access to the tiniest part of his mind, can I?’ 

He held his silence. 

‘Anyway Fool, I know your favourite animal is the cat, you told me so only a few months ago. Why won't you play along?’ Unawarely, i had raised my voice and I saw the Fool take a step backwards. It was wrong. I did not want him to be afraid of me. 

‘Please, I-’

‘Fitz, we are done for today I think.’ Dutiful stated in a tone that indicated that he would not tolerate disobedience. I realized that he was now standing by us. I had not even heard him come closer. 

I was thankful for the distraction, but as soon as I turned aside to give him an answer, I heard the door of the tower slam loudly. Lord Golden had fled. 

Stunned, I took my leave from my two remaining students and went back to the secret passageways, heading straight towards his chambers.

I was sick of this cat-and-mouse game. I was going to confront him.


	4. The Peephole

As I rushed through the cobwebbed corridors, I tried to think about how I would handle this. First, I had to calm down. The Fool may have had a very good reason for blocking me out during our Skill session and I would definitely not win him back by shouting at him like I had just done. First and foremost, I needed to apologize. That had been the plan from the start and I needed to stick to it. Surely he would at least listen to what I had to say.

I chose to get out of the tunnels through the exit that led to a servant room that had remained vacant for years because of the broken blinds that did nothing to keep out the cold. It was located on the floor above the nobles’ quarters where Lord Golden had in chambers. As I reached his door, I made sure to dust off my guardsman uniform. Once I was satisfied with the way I looked, I knocked on his door and waited, but nobody answered. Maybe he had been delayed by something on his way from Verity’s tower.

Or maybe, he was still avoiding me.

I knocked again, and this time, I was almost certain that I had heard footsteps in the room. But again, my mind could have been playing tricks on me. I did not want to make a fool of myself by shouting or by just standing there waiting for him. I needed to see for myself.

I had always suspected that Lord Golden’s chambers were vulnerable to the secret passageways and their numerous peepholes. I went back to the labyrinths and indeed, it did not take long for me to find the spot I was looking for. As I sat on the cold hard floor, I tried to convince myself that I was not about to spy on my friend. I just wanted to see for myself if he was here or not. If he was not, I would wait for his arrival and then I would talk to him. And if he was indeed avoiding me… Well that much would at least be clear in my mind.

I realized that the hole in the wall was in fact right above the door that led to the servant chamber Tom Badgerlock had occupied, so I had a good view on the whole room. On the far end of the room stood the fireside where Lord Golden would sit by every night to read his scrolls. To the left, I could see the door to his chambers that remained, as usual, perpetually closed.

It was not long before I heard the key in the lock and saw a concerned looking Lord Golden enter the room. He immediately latched the door behind him. So I had my answer, he had not been avoiding me after all. I was about to go when I heard the sound of another door opening. Before I could realize that Lord Golden’s chambers had just been opened from the inside, I saw a man burst out of the room and rush towards my friend. Panic seized me and I reached for the dagger I always kept in my boots but as I raised my head to check what was happening, I was struck dumb by what I saw.

The man had enfolded Lord Golden into an embrace.

‘Well Lian, if that is how you greet me after I am gone for not even an hour, I should leave you more often.’ Lord Golden said in a cheery tone as he reciprocated the embrace.

‘You devil,’ the man answered playfully.

I was not at all prepared for what he did next.

The man cupped Lord Golden’s jaw in his hand and snaked his other arm around his slim waist. In a quick motion, he pulled my friend’s body towards his and kissed him.

I had to remind myself to breathe, for I felt as if my lungs were being crushed by a boulder.

I saw Lord Golden tilt his head to deepen the kiss while his partner was threading his fingers through his golden locks. My friend’s graceful hands gripped the fabric of the other man’s shirt more firmly.

I suddenly became aware of a pain in my right arm, and I realized that I was clenching my fists so hard that my nails were digging through my flesh. I felt dizzy and my breathing was still laboured. I could not comprehend my physical reaction. What was wrong with me?

The man had raised Lord Golden in his arms and, without breaking their kiss, placed him in the armchair by the fireside. Straddling his partner, he started to deposit small kisses to the side of his jaw, while struggling to unbutton his own shirt. Lord Golden grabbed his wrists in his hands, stopping his motion.

‘Lian, we have to stop, or else I won’t be able to attend the lunch I have scheduled with the duke of Tilth.’

I was almost not able to tell who had spoken. That voice was not Lord Golden’s, let alone the Fool’s. Its inflection was soft, and there were even traces of a slight southern accent that I could not pinpoint but that was definitely not Jamaillian.

‘Please, Beloved. I have been waiting for you all morning.’

The longing I heard in the man’s tone made me sick to my stomach. So that voice was Beloved’s. I was shocked that my friend had offered so much of himself to a stranger. But was he, truly, a stranger to him? Obviously they were very well acquainted, I thought bitterly. But we were too, and in all our years together, he had never let me catch so much of a glimpse of his real self. How long did it take for the Fool to tell me his real name? 25 years?

The man had apparently managed to convince Lord Golden that his social meeting could wait a bit longer, for they had both stood up, and were making their way towards the bedroom. They slammed the door shut. There was little doubt in my mind as to what they were planning on doing in there.

I knew that I was supposed to feel disgusted, maybe even affronted by my friend’s behaviour and choice of companion. What I had just witnessed went against everything I knew and stood for, against the way I was brought up and my own understanding of romance.

But the truth was that I felt hurt beyond words, as if my very soul had been sucked from my body.

I cannot say how long I remained motionless, my head bent and my arms encircling my legs as if to protect me from the wild thoughts that were raging in my mind. All I know is that amongst those thoughts, there was one that screamed the loudest. One that cut me deeper than any other did.

‘It could have been me.’


	5. The Torment

The weeks that followed seemed to pass in a sort of daze. What I had come to understand during my little spying session seemed to have shaken the very ground on which I stood, the very core of all I had believed to be true about myself. 

My feelings for the Fool were of romantic nature. 

It was as if I had been forced to open my eyes and been blinded in the process. I wish I had never known, but the pain I had felt at seeing him in somebody else’s arms had been too great for me to continue lying to myself. Somehow, at some point during our friendship, I had fallen in love with him.

It left me to wonder how I could have overlooked that fact for so long. I thought back on all the nights we had spent next to each other, all the affectionate gestures, the warm feelings that never failed to overwhelm me whenever we were in the same room. There was even a physical attraction on my part, that much was clear. I had mistaken it for mere admiration but my musings about Lord Golden’s attractiveness, I now saw on a totally different angle. 

But what good did it do that I had come to realize that now that he was lost to me so completely?

Not only had we stopped talking to each other since our falling out, but he had found a replacement for me. And fairly quickly at that. 

Even so, I could not find it in me to be angry with him. I had trampled on his feelings during our quarrel, unaware of the damage to our relationship. I winced as I recalled how I had gone so far as to mock him for having believed that the flowers had come from me. 

Idiot. 

Of course he had had no reason to believe that his love for me had been anything but unrequited. It was my fault. I had been too stupid, too narrow minded to see that what I had always wanted had been right in front of me all along. Time and time again, I could have accepted his gift. But it was too late now, and Beloved had already offered it to somebody else. 

Bile rose in my throat at the thought of that other man’s hands touching my Fool. I was used to the pain now, and I had learned to control it in some way. I knew that if I took slow, deep breaths, I could stop the tears from falling. Pathetic.

This was even worse than learning about Molly and Burrich. Not because I had not loved Molly, but because like Kettle had tried to tell me, I realized now that my feelings for her had been somehow childish and unstable. At the time, I had concealed almost everything of my true self from her. She had never known about the dark deeds I did for the Farseer crown nor about my Wit. Whereas the Fool had been someone I had always trusted completely. Apart from my wolf, he was the one person who knew me best, who was aware of my flaws and to whom I had confided my most shameful thoughts. Because I knew that he did not think less of me because of them.

His unconditional love for me, I had always taken for granted. That and Nighteyes’ wisdom had been the two things I had always been relying on. 

Now Nighteyes was gone, and I had driven my Fool away. It felt like I had lost my whole world.


	6. The Rival

I was trying to stick to a tight schedule to keep my mood from spiraling down.

I would get up in the early morning, take my breakfast in the gathering hall, check on Myblack in the stables and train for a few hours with my fellow guardsmen. I had taken up the habit of spending my afternoons in Buckkeep Town. The craftspersons of the keep were always on the look-out for someone willing to run errands for them there, and I was more than happy to take advantage of every opportunity I could find to get away from the castle.

I always tried to spare a moment of my time to go and see Hap. My boy was still pining after Svanja, and I was doing my best to comfort him, despite being aware of how ironic it was for me to try and act as his adviser when it came to his love life, considering the state of my own.

The thought of paying a visit to Jinna had occasionally crossed my mind, but now that I was aware of my feelings for the Fool, he was the only person I could manage to think of that way. He had also been right about my relationship with the hedge witch: I had been taking advantage of her being available to me, and it was not fair to either of us.

Occasionally, I gave Skill lessons to the Prince, Thick and Chade. I knew that at least Dutiful and my old mentor had noticed that something was wrong with me but they were either not interested enough or too busy to take the time to ask me about it. It was just as well. 

Never again did I try to invite Lord Golden to our lessons. There was no doubt in my mind that the reason why he had evaded me before was because he did not want me to know about his new relationship.

Before I knew it, two more months had passed without a single word exchanged between me and the Fool. My plan to apologize seemed very far away now. 

Yet, it did not mean that I never saw him. The Jamaillian nobleman was indeed as popular as ever at court, attending every dinner and social gathering.

I could not stop thinking about what I had seen through that peephole. The mental picture of my friend embracing that other man was seared into my brain and it burned me everytime I managed to catch a glimpse of Lord Golden. I knew better than to avoid him though. I had tried that for a time, and it had not gone well. I had indeed come to realize that no matter how painful it was for me to be constantly reminded of his liaison, it still was better than being away from him. I needed the Fool in my life like I needed warmth or water.

Almost without realizing it, I was also trying to learn more about the man that I had begun to think of as my rival.

Through gossips and eavesdroppings, I found out that he was Lord Lian Willow, a young aristocrat originally from Shoaks who had been living in Jamaillia for the past five years or so. There, I heard that he had made a fortune thanks to his gift for glass trade. The phial which contained the very perfume that had been offered to Kettricken by the Bingtown delegation originated from his workshops.

He had arrived at the same time as Jek and the others, but had apparently delayed his return. Nobody seemed able to tell why, but I could only guess.

As a guard, I was often on duty in the gathering hall or when I had to accompany the Prince and a few selected nobles on their morning rides. Lord Golden and Lord Willow were often invited to these outings. I watched them closely during those rare occasions, and I realized that, had I never spied on them, I would never have known that there were more to their relationship than met the eyes. 

Lord Golden was as much his usual flirty self with him as he was with every other nobleman and woman. They sometimes sat side by side for dinner parties during which they conversed amicably, but they never gave away any sign of further intimacy. 

I also took up the shameful habit of trying to catch a glimpse of the Fool every time I wandered through the secret corridors by spying through the peephole. I found Lord Golden’s chambers empty more often than not, but the truth was that I did not even know what I was looking for. Maybe catching a gesture, a word, that could assure me that the Fool was still in there somewhere, hidden below layers of silk fabric and rich cosmetics. Possibly witnessing the two lovers argue, and having my distress put to rest by the knowledge of their falling-out. Or maybe, I was looking for the tiniest clue that could indicate that my friend was also missing me. But nothing had come of it. 

I had been mulling over these dark thoughts the whole day, and found myself in no mood for a hearty chat with the other guards. As I was hurriedly making my way towards the kitchen to grab a bowl of steaming broth, I bumped hard into the figure that suddenly emerged from the stairs on my right. The man was carrying a large tray filled with food and I was not quick enough to catch the toppling wine glass, that fell and shattered on the ground. 

I apologized profusely for my lack of caution as I knelt to collect the shards. I had thankfully been carrying a towel, which allowed me to wipe the wine off the man’s shoes. I realized then that these were far too sophisticated to belong to a servant. My fellow was a noble, and I had just ruined his shoes.

Cursing my luck, I figured that if he was a petty man, he could very well have me removed from my post. I felt the urge to check his identity, but as a servant, I knew that I had to keep my gaze lowered and my head bent when I was confronted with a member of the Farseer court.

‘It’s my fault, don’t worry about it man. The smell of these lovely squash pies was so delightful that I forgot to pay attention to the outside world!’

I froze. I knew this voice.

‘Really, the color of these shoes was horrid anyways,’ Lord Willow insisted in a cheery tone. 

I stood up straight to meet him in the eyes. It was the first time that I was seeing my rival up close. He was even younger than I had estimated him to be, not older than 25 years old. Around the same age as Lord Golden appeared to be. Despite his tanned skin, I judged his appearance quite unremarkable. His hair was a mass of short chestnut curls and his eyes were a deep brown, almost black. He was slightly shorter than me, with full cheeks and a slightly turned-up nose. 

What struck me was his facial expression. His smile was warm and friendly and he regarded me with an amused glint in his eyes, as if we had just shared a joke. I immediately understood the kind of person he was. He was someone who, despite being high born, did not regard those of inferior station with contempt or disregard. A man who would rather reassure a mere serving man by telling a joke rather than fussing about a stain on his expensive shoes. The exact right kind of person for the Fool. I hated him.

Something of my feelings must have shown on my face, for I saw him frown slightly.

‘Hey, I’m not going to report you to your master or anything. Don’t worry, it’s fine.’

I did not hear his words. All I could think about was how he had used that same voice to convince the Fool to go back to bed with him. I had to struggle to keep from growling in his face. 

Lord Willow was regarding me with growing concern when his gaze fell on my white lock of hair. I caught the flare of relief in his eyes as he asked.

‘I see, you must be Lord Golden’s former serving man. Ken Badgerlock, am I right? Do you work in the kitchens now?’

Him straddling the Fool and unbuttoning his shirt. ‘Tom Badgerlock.’ His mouth on the Fool’s. I took a breath ‘N-no, not the kitchens.’

I managed to wipe the shameful tears that had escaped my eyes before he could take notice of them. Turning on my heels, I fled. 


	7. The Hope

After my embarrassing encounter with Lord Willow, I went straight for my spot in the secrets corridors, knowing that the abundance of food on the tray could only mean that he was planning on sharing a private meal with Lord Golden. I had been crouching behind the peephole ever since, and my knees were starting to ache. I was definitely not getting any younger… nor wiser, since I was yet again invading the Fool’s privacy. I pushed the uncomfortable thought from my mind.

They had just finished eating. Lord Golden was sitting on a fat cushion before the fire, with Lord Willow’s head resting on his outstretched legs. 

They were sipping a glass of wine, and Lord Willow was telling a story about his journey to Buckkeep and his struggles with life at sea, which Lord Golden seemed to find very amusing. 

‘Ah yes, I remember having to share a cabin with Jek and Althea, I thought I was going to turn crazy.’ Smiling, he brought the glass to his lips. ‘I had to knock up makeshift curtains to keep a semblance of privacy…’ He paused, as if he were remembering a fond memory, then shook his head and took another sip of his drink. ‘Lian my dear, you know that I love everything we share together… But you still could have brought one more glass of this delicacy.’ he added, jokingly.

Lord Willow raised his chin so that his eyes could meet the Fool’s. ‘Well I would have, but the other glass got knocked out of the tray when someone bumped into me.’

‘A pity.’, the Fool commented, threading his long fingers through the young man’s curls. 

‘It was your former serving man.’

The Fool’s hand froze in mid-motion.

‘Who?’ he enquired in a low voice.

‘Tom Badgerlock,’

‘Oh. I see.’ There was a long pause. ‘Do you know each other?’ Lord Golden was trying to sound casual but I could see from the stiffness of his posture and the way his hands had stopped moving that there was tension bubbling inside him. I could not decide if I wanted this discussion to end or not. It was certainly unnerving to hear them talk about me when I couldn’t do anything about it, but then again, I was starving for any kind of information regarding the state of my relationship with the Fool.

‘No, but I did not need to,’ Lord Willow started. ‘Everyone in the keep knows about the scarred grouch of a man who used to act as a bodyguard to the ever so graceful Lord Golden.’ After a thoughtful silence, he added, ‘Well I can certainly vouch for his reputation now.’

‘How so?’ Lord Golden asked warily, gulping the rest of his wine.

‘Well he looked a fright when I saw him earlier. When our eyes met it was like he had seen a ghost. I almost thought he was going to jump down my throat, quite literally.’

Lord Golden sighed. ‘Yes, he does come off as a grump when you don’t know him. He’s like that with everyone.’

‘Maybe you’re right.’ Lord Willow conceded. ‘I had already seen him a couple of times in the dining hall or when he rides alongside the Prince’s escort, and it is true that he always wears an angry look. I could tell that his scars were mostly to blame and that it was not something he could help. And yet earlier… It was like I had just killed his entire family.’ Noticing Lord Golden’s frown, he insisted. ‘I swear! You know I’m good at reading people, it only took me a couple of days to figure you out. I felt Badgerlock’s hostility flare the moment he looked at my face. I only wish I knew why...’ He heaved a big sigh.

‘I see. Well I... I might.’ Lord Golden sounded uneasy. ‘Do you know...’ he started cautiously, ‘Is there any chance that rumours about your… preferences in bed partners could have spread amongst the keep’s court?’

The question seemed to surprise Lord Willow. ‘Well, nothing about us, that’s for sure. We’ve been very careful.’ He looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘But there have been rumours about me ever since I left for Jamaillia. No one has ever seen me with a lady at my arm, so they suspect. My family, our neighbours, our staff, everyone. And I don’t doubt for a second that duke Shemshy and the small nobility of Shoaks brought the gossip with them to Buckkeep. But what does that have to do with our conversation?’

‘Because it could be that. Tom Badgerlock. He might have heard about those rumours and that could be why he reacted to you the way he did.’ I was petrified. The Fool was hitting too close to home. 

Lord Willow looked confused. ‘Do you really think so? I mean I know people in Buckkeep are uptight, but how would you know if the man had anything against that in particular?’

There was a long pause, during which Lord Golden lowered his head to gaze into Lord Willow’s eyes. Finally, he seemed to reach a conclusion.

‘I want to be honest with you, as much as I can,’ he started. ‘Tom Badgerlock was indeed my servant, but we have known each other since childhood. He is, or rather was, my dearest friend. But we had a falling out a few months ago, about this very topic. He made me confess the romantic feelings I had been harbouring for him for some time, and it did not please him one bit. We argued. Brutally.’ He took a deep breath, as if bracing himself for his next words. ‘And that’s how I know that if he heard that you liked men, he would hate you for it. Just like he does me.’ His voice broke on the last words.

It felt like my chest was being ripped apart. A surge of emotions was rising inside me: guilt, despair, self-loathing and, perhaps most of all, frustration. I was in love with someone who thought I despised him.

‘I’m sorry.’ Lord Willow whispered, levering himself on one arm to kiss Lord Golden gently. I had to close my eyes. ‘You should come with me. You don’t belong here with these people. Come back with me to Jamaillia.’ he begged. ‘People like you and me can live freely there.’ My breath caught in my throat and my eyes popped open. I felt torn between the exhilaration of knowing that he was not staying and the paralyzing fear that the Fool might leave with him. No. Gods please, no.

‘As much as I would like to… I still have things to take care of here. I cannot stray from my path.’ He sounded resigned, yet resolved. The cold grip of panic that had seized me lifted and I was able to breathe again. 

‘Yes I know.’ Lord Willow relented. ‘But I had to try one more time.’ A pause. ‘I can’t believe this is our last night.’

Lord Golden caressed his cheek gently. ‘I wish I had met you sooner. You are such a beautiful person Lian. Falling in love with you could have saved me from much pain.’ His eyes brimmed with tears.

Sitting back upright, Lord Willow took him in his arms. ‘Are you going to be ok after I’m gone?’ 

The Fool pulled back from his embrace and gave him a sad smile. 

The man would be gone in a few hours and the Fool was staying here. He would forget about Lord Willow and I would show him that he was wrong about me. There was hope. 


	8. The Counsel

Lord Willow’s departure went pretty much unnoticed at court, for the Prince’s betrothal was still the center of attention. Perhaps only I could see how his absence was affecting Lord Golden. The nobleman, who used to partake in any kind of festivities that involved drinks and gambling now shied away from outings and social events, and often had his evening meals delivered straight to his chambers. His smiles also seemed more strained than before, but no one else seemed to take notice and I had yet again to marvel at my friend’s acting abilities. I wondered how long this melancholy of his would last, even though I could not help but rejoice at my rival’s sudden disappearance.

I was pondering these thoughts as I was standing guard at the Great Hall. The Buckkeep nobility was having dinner and I was trying to look nonchalant while I was observing Lord Golden out of the corner of my eye. He had as usual taken up a seat at one of the high tables. He was keeping his head bowed and was absentmindedly pushing his food around his plate, appearing to be deep in thought.

‘So... you too?’ 

I turned to see whence the voice had come, and found myself face to face with a serving girl who was looking up at me nervously. Definitely a kitchen maid, I thought as I took notice of her flour-dusted apron. Her light-brown hair was tied back in a bun and she was fidgeting with the pendant that hung on her neck, a sculpted black and white rose. Even then, it took me a short while to remember her name: Garetha. She was the woman who had been placing flowers on Lord Golden’s tray every morning. I recalled how I had urged the Fool to seek comfort in her arms during our quarrel and I winced inwardly at the memory.

‘I’m sorry, what?’, I mumbled, hoping my uneasiness did not show on my face. 

There was something akin to pity in her eyes when she explained, ‘I meant you love him too, don’t you?’ Her gaze drifted towards the table where Lord Golden was seated.

I had been expecting anything but that, and I was struggling to find a fitting answer when she continued. ‘It’s in your eyes when you look at him. And you’ve been staring non stop since the beginning of the meal. I used to do that as well.’

I didn’t know what to say so I asked stupidly, ‘Used to?’

Her eyes shifted back to me and she gave me a sad smile.

‘I try not to do that anymore. In fact, I’ve been watching you for a few weeks and I wanted to give you a piece of advice. Are you willing to hear me out?’

Her words made me feel extremely uneasy. Were my feelings that transparent? I suddenly found that I was too weary to try and find a believable excuse to explain my recent behaviour and deny her claims. I knew she was waiting for an answer, so I looked around and saw that no one was paying attention to us. The evening meals at Buckkeep could last several hours, during which the guards such as myself had nothing to do except stand at their post and try not to fall asleep on their feet. The closest person to us was the guardswoman posted at the other end of the entrance to the Great Hall and she was looking thoroughly bored. I judged that we were way out of earshot but I still kept my voice low as I answered, ‘Of course, I’m listening.’

‘Thank you. Look, I’ve known Lord Golden for a long time, ever since he was-’ She stopped and looked suddenly unsure. ‘How well do you know him?’ she asked cautiously. 

I realized that she did not want to betray his secret identity, and I was glad of that. ‘I knew him when he was someone else if that’s what you mean’, I said simply.

She looked relieved. ‘That’s what I thought, even though I don’t recall ever seeing you around the keep when the Fool was around.’

Of course, she could never have guessed that it was the Witted Bastard himself, risen from the dead, who was standing right before her. ‘I was not very noticeable at the time so I’m not surprised you don’t remember me.’

Her smile broadened. ‘I see. So as I said, Lord Golden and I have known each other ever since we were children. I was his first friend at Buckkeep,’ she observed proudly. That stung. ‘As I’m sure you’re aware, he was not very popular amongst the other children of the keep. His looks and his manners were… peculiar to say the least, and being different is the best way to get turned into a target for cruel souls to shoot at.’ She paused and seemed to take a breath to reign in her anger. ‘He kept getting chased around by them. Sometimes, they would throw stones at him.’ My heart sank. I had not known that and it saddened me to my core to learn of his torments. But she did not give me time to dwell on those feelings, for she continued, ‘He often sook refuge on the apple tree, in the kitchen garden. That’s how we came to know each other. I would give him plantain and other herbs to treat his wounds. For some reason, he always declined when I offered to take him to a healer.’ I snorted. I knew too well how infuriating the Fool’s obsessive need of privacy could be. ‘He thought I helped him out of pity, and that may have been true at first, but… He was always kind, and funny, and attentive, as I’m sure you know.’

‘I do,’ I said.

‘So you can understand how easy it was for me to fall in love with him.’

I nodded. I did not know where she was getting at with her tale, but it felt good to hear someone talk about the Fool. I had seen so little of him lately that it was hard for me to remember that the friend of my childhood had actually been real.

‘I never told him of course.’ Garetha went on, ‘I bore no illusions about his feelings for me. I knew that he only saw me as a friend, and I did not want to damage our relationship. So I loved him in secret, until he left. And fifteen years later, when he came back as Lord Golden, I knew him right away. I did not think he had recognized me but I found small ways of letting him know that he was remembered. How sad it must have been for him to come back as a stranger!’

Her words made me experience a shift in perception. When I had come back to Buckkeep, it had pained me to see so many familiar faces showing no signs of recognition when they saw Tom Badgerlock. But I had never imagined that the Fool could have felt the same thing. And yet, Buckkeep had been his home too, and no one had seen through his disguise. I knew that part of the explanation for that was that no one much cared about what had become of the peculiar creature that had served as King Shrewd’s fool. Of course that must have pained him.

‘I did not think he had noticed me, until one day, a few months ago, I was told to deliver his breakfast in person . I was expecting to see Lord Golden but it was the Fool who opened his door for me. He welcomed me warmly and together we shared the breakfast. He told me that my attentions had been greatly appreciated,  that he was sorry he had not recognized me sooner.’ Again, I cringed at the memory of how he had come to realize that. ‘We had been drinking brandy and it made me feel bold so I confessed my feelings for him.’

‘How did it go?’ I felt compelled to ask, despite knowing the outcome.

She sighed. ‘He said he was very sorry, but that his heart was not his to give, for it belonged to someone else, and had for a long time.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, as I felt a surge of restlessness. Who had he been referring to? Me or Lian?

‘Don’t be. As I said, I didn’t expect him to love me back, and I am glad he was honest with me and that things between us were not awkward after that. The last thing I wanted was to lose his friendship. But none of that happened and he was very considerate, as I knew he would be. We talked a lot afterwards, about our shared our memories of the keep and about what had happened in our lives since then. I told him about my lack of luck with men, and he advised me to keep an open heart for both men and women, for the former were more likely to break my heart.’ She laughed, ‘But he needn’t have said that, he didn’t break my heart.’ I highly doubted that the Fool had referred to himself but I kept that to myself.

‘And did you?’ I asked.

‘Did I what?’

‘Manage to move on, and to keep an open heart.’ I clarified.

‘I try, I really do. But it’s not easy, falling out of love with him I mean. He is the gentlest soul one could hope to meet, and loving him has always been as easy as breathing for me.’ I was surprised at how true her words rang for me. ‘I think I will always love him, but speaking honestly with him has allowed me to let go of some of my insecurities, and it feels like it brought us closer together. That’s why I wanted to talk to you, once I realized you were in the same situation I had been in. You should tell him. Be honest with him about your feelings and he will find the words, as he did for me, I’m sure of it.’ she asserted with such faith that I almost believed her. Almost.

‘It’s different, in my case. I’m not sure he would be willing to hear me out.’ I confessed.

‘Why wouldn’t he? I can assure you, he would never make fun of your feelings.’ I knew that, she was rubbing salt in the wound without even knowing it. ‘Tell him I advised you to come to him. Please, do yourself a favour and be honest with him. Trust me.’

I turned to really look at her. It was sometimes hard to look past a servant garb to try and see the person beneath it, but I tried to do just that. Her expression was open, and she was giving me a warm, encouraging smile. In another life, she and I could have been friends. Just as that thought came to my mind, I realized that there was no reason why we couldn’t be now.

I bowed slightly to her. ‘Thank you, I will.’


	9. The Confrontation

‘You are not working for me anymore Badgerlock, I’m sure there must be someone else you can talk to about your problems.’

I had decided to take action right after my conversation with Garetha. Dinner had ended a short while later, and I had managed to catch up with Lord Golden, not without some difficulty. He had waited until we had reached the staircase leading to his chambers to finally react to my calls for him to stop for a moment.

‘I need to talk to you. Please.’ I kept my tone formal in case someone could hear us.

‘I can’t imagine what you could possibly have to say to me.’ he replied curtly.

‘I just talked to Garetha.’

His brows furrowed with suspicion. ‘Not here,’ he decided after a while, and motioned me to follow him.

It did not take us long to reach his chambers. As I entered, I noticed that the room was back to its former tidiness, that had never had anything to do with me to begin with. I decided to sit on the armchair across from Lord Golden, who was leaning against the door of his bedchamber. From my spot, I could admire the way his face was lit by the soft moonlight glow coming from the window. The makeup he was wearing today was very subtle, just a few bronze scales above his cheekbones. He was looking right at me with his piercing, golden gaze, obviously displeased. Again, I was struck by how young he looked, no more than 25 years old, when I knew that he was actually older than me by a long shot. Would he still look to be in his prime when I will have become an old man? I did not like that thought, so I chased it from my mind. Better to focus on what was at stake at this very moment.

‘So? What did you say to Garetha?’ he demanded, with his foot tapping impatiently.

‘I did not say anything to her,’ I retorted. ‘She just came to me at dinner and talked to me.’

‘About what?’

‘About you.’ His frown deepened. ‘She noticed that something was going on between you and me,’ I explained. ‘We talked and she advised me to be honest with you. So that’s what I came for. Honesty.’

He snorted. ‘I believe I’ve had quite enough of your honesty lately, Fitz.’

Despite his jab, hope bubbled up inside me. It had been months since I had heard him call me by my name.

‘I know, and that’s precisely what I came to tell you.’ I breathed and held his gaze. ‘Fool, I am so sorry about what I said to you during our quarrel. I want you to know that I regretted my words almost as soon as they were out. And I know that me apologizing is not going to make you forget about the awful things I said to you.’

‘Indeed, it is not.’

‘I know, but I need you to know that I am sorry,’ I continued. ‘Trust me Fool when I say that I would do anything to repair the damage to our friendship. These last few months have been awful, and I would rather face your anger than be a stranger to you.’

He folded his lips, considering my words. ‘I’m not even mad at you anymore Fitz,’ he answered in a weary voice. ‘It’s just… I warned you this would happen, I knew you wouldn’t understand. And yet you insisted, and look where it led us. ’

His words did not deter me. ‘Trust me, I’ve done a lot of thinking these last few months, and I understand now, I really do. Our friendship is the most precious thing I have in this world.’ I was suddenly inspired. ‘Beloved,’ I heard him take a sharp intake of breath. ‘What can I do to make it up to you?’

He turned his head away from me and stood silent for a moment. I could not believe how good it felt to have finally said those words aloud.

‘Thank you. I needed to hear that Fitz,’ the Fool said softly, shifting his gaze back to me. A very faint smile was forming on his face. ‘I also want you to know that it hasn’t been easy for me either, these past few months.’ I nodded in understanding. ‘And now I have to remember to give my thanks to Garetha, once again. I’m glad you took her advice and came to talk to me.’

He was right, in a way. But I had come for honesty. I wanted no more secrets between us. ‘Actually, our quarrel was not what Garetha and I had been talking about.’

‘Oh. But... you said you had been talking about me.’

‘We were.’ The enormity of what I was about to confess suddenly dawned on me and I was struggling to find the right words.

‘I don’t understand.’ he admitted.

‘Garetha and I had been talking...’ I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself for what was about to come next. ‘About my feelings for you.’

He wrapped his arms protectively around himself. ‘Fitz, is this supposed to mean anything? Because if it does, I don’t get it.’

‘Yes, I think you do. Fool, I have feelings for you.’ I couldn’t stop my voice from trembling as I said the words. Why was confessing your love for someone so very difficult?

‘Of course you do. Just like you have feelings for Chade, or Dutiful, or Kettricken. We all have feelings Fitz you know. If there is something you want to say to me, you have to be more specific than that.’

Irritated at his antics, I stood up, crossed the short distance that separated us and took him by the shoulders. He wanted me to be specific, so I would make sure that there was no room for doubt about what I meant. In a quick motion, I pushed him back against the door and kissed him deeply, holding his mouth to mine. I had acted on impulse, my actions barely registering in my mind. I had given the Fool no time to react. He stood frozen, and his eyes were wide with shock. I closed mine and sighed with contentment, but just as I broke us apart to get some air, the Fool managed to snake away from my grip and to push me back so violently that I staggered and nearly knocked over the table behind me. I heard something shatter on the floor but paid it no mind.

The Fool was glaring at me with bright eyes, also trying to catch his breath. ‘What do you think you are doing?’ he snapped. His voice was that of Lord Golden again. He was obviously trying to contain his fury, but I could tell from his short exhales that he was failing badly.

Frustrated and confused, I practically screamed at him. ‘I _love_ you Fool, that’s what I came to tell you! That’s what Garetha advised me to be honest about! I realized it too late, after our quarrel, but… I love you Fool, and not as a friend.’

Outrage was slowly giving way to astonishment on his face. ‘No you don’t,’ he said in a low voice.

‘Yes, I do! Fool, just let me explain-’

‘No. You. Don’t!’ he exploded. ‘How dare you Fitz? How dare you say such things just to get me to forgive you? How stupid do you think I am? You may call me Fool, but believe me, I am far from being one. I know that you toy with Starling’s and Jinna’s feelings to get what you want, but I’m warning you, don’t play games with me.’ Angry tears were spilling from his eyes and he wiped them impatiently away, damaging the fine scaling on his cheeks.

‘It’s not what you think I swear! Beloved just let me explain-’

‘ _You_ don’t get to call me that.’

I swallowed hard. Panic was rising inside me. How had things turned so wrong? As I opened my mouth to explain myself, he held up his hand to quiet me. He scoffed. ‘It is of little importance anyway. Even if you are sincere, or think you are, it is too late for you to tell me that. I moved on, and I am seeing someone.’

Darkness was threatening the edges of my vision and I took a few steps backwards. ‘But-’ I managed to mouth, and I was so focused on proving his words wrong that I did not think about what I said next. ‘He left.’ There was a long silence, but now that the truth was out, there was no going back, so I confessed, ‘I know about you and Lian. And I know that he left you.’

‘He didn’t leave me!’ the Fool shrilled. ‘I let him go! I let him go because I have a destiny to fulfill here! I had finally found someone kind and loving, and I let him go.’ He slowly sank to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest in a way characteristic of my childhood friend. Sobs were shaking him despite his efforts to conceal them.

‘I’m sorry.’ I said lamely. I wasn’t really. At least, not sorry that he had stayed, but sorry to see him in such a distressed state. It took him a few minutes to calm down.

‘And exactly how would you know about him?’ I heard him ask in a flat voice. His trembling had stopped and he was looking at me with narrowed eyes. I knew that I was trapped, but my mind was still working frantically to try and find a way out of this. Sensing my hesitation, he added in an icy tone, ‘If you lie to me Fitz I promise you, I will leave and you will never see me again. Never.’

‘I spied on you,’ I blurted. He did not even bother to look surprised. ‘There is… a peephole, right there,’ I admitted, pointing towards the spot. ‘After you fled from our skill lesson a few weeks ago, I came here to apologize to you, but no one answered the door. I thought that you were avoiding me, so I went inside Chade’s labyrinths and found this spot. I just wanted to know if you were really here or not.’ Saying it aloud did not help make it sound any less absurd. The Fool’s face was a careful blank mask, and I could only imagine what he was feeling. Disbelief? Hurt? Betrayal? Almost certainly a mix of all three. ‘That’s when I saw him come out of your bedchamber. I saw you and him... kiss and then go back to the other room.’ He flushed a deep red and before he could speak, I clarified. ‘That’s all I saw, don’t worry. I don’t think there is a peephole in your bedchamber, or at least, I didn’t look for one there.’

‘How considerate of you.’

Ignoring his barbed comment, I continued. ‘After that… I became obsessed Fool. Jealousy was eating me up and I could think of nothing else. So whenever I had to use the secret corridors… I would come here, to try and learn more about your relationship. I couldn’t stand not knowing. I think I was hoping to see you two break up. The last time I did that was the day before he left, and that’s when I heard about his departure.’

A silence grew after the end of my tale. I couldn’t think of anything to say in my defence. I knew how much the Fool valued his privacy and I knew that this new breach in our trust would be hard for him to forgive. If he was even willing to.

‘You know what, Fitz?’ the Fool eventually sighed. ‘The worst thing is that I’m not even surprised. When you broke into my tower room all those years ago, I admit that I felt betrayed. But now... I’m just so sick of your deceptions.’

‘I shouldn’t have done that Fool, I know,’ I tried to explain. ‘Even when I was doing it, I knew that it was wrong.’

‘I’m sure you did. But you did it anyway. That’s the problem, I don’t care about your motives, or your guilt. You _spied_ on me Fitz!’ His voice broke on the words. He closed his eyes and pinched his nose, composing himself. ‘Our quarrel, I can forgive, but this… I need some time to think Fitz.’

‘I am so sorry, please forgive this one last time. I won’t ever do it again, I swear,’ I pleaded, hating how empty my promise sounded.

‘I’m so tired. Just… Just leave me alone. Get out. Please.’

Even then, he did not sound angry, just resigned, and incredibly weary. I knew that we would not get any further on the matter, at least for tonight. I had said my bit, and the only thing left for me to do was to rely on our friendship, hoping that it would, yet again, be enough to make up for my wrongdoings.

So I left.


End file.
